don’t be fooled by the smile, it’s taken me years to perfect.
Happiness is something we all strive for, it’s what people go to look for in every corner of the world and it’s something that roughly 1 in 4 people struggle to feel. To say that I feel the warmth of a smile often would be a lie, often the smile I wear is cold and it’s covering a whole heap of emotions.
Lately, I’ve allowed myself to fall down a pit of dispair. My minds been possessed by the cold hands of my inner darkness and the intensity of it all is deafening. I don’t know the way out but I know I’m motivated to find it.
It’s hard for the people in my life to believe that I feel like this because the day you meet me I wear a smile bigger than you’ve ever seen and I’ll laugh like there’s no chance I could ever be the girl I’m sat writing about but the honest truth is, my smiles and my laughs are my consealment of the dark and encapsulating thoughts.
This destroys all hopes of pride and enjoyment. Every achievement I make, I am faced with a disheartened mind and a whole heap of tears. It’s never feeling good enough even though you achieve great things, it’s the destruction of everything you spent so long to build because you feel like you’ve not done enough to receive the things you get.
This isn’t a mood. It’s a tsunami tide of emotions that cause you to cry without a single sound leaving your body, it causes you to tear away from your family, your loved ones and your friends, it’s the repression of thoughts and feelings so you can avoid the look of pity in the eyes of people as they realise how things are for you.
It’s the constant thought in the back of my mind telling me I’ll never amount to anything, it’s the feeling of loneliness even though you’re surrounded by people, it’s the voices that lingers too long and tells you that nobody cares nor loves you. It’s real and it’s raw and it’s life destroying if you don’t seek help.
In the arms of my love, I manage to find comfort… for the most part of 10 minutes and then my mind decides to attack itself to thoughts that aren’t even real. I wish I could just switch them off. I wish I could feel normal.
My struggles affect those around me, especially my boyfriend. It causes me to isolate myself and hide my feelings from him which in the long run, does more damage than it’s worth. I don’t know how I’d wake up every day if it wasn’t for Oliver, he is my strength on days when words won’t even fall from my lips and he is my happiness always. For a young lad to understand and protect me from myself is truly remarkable and through every struggle I know he’s going to be there, being strong for the both of us. You can’t possibly thank someone enough for helping you like that really.
There’s comfort in routine and one thing I fear is that all of the darkness goes away and I manage to fight it and feel like myself again for it to creep up again. I want to be the girl I used to be who after she finished laughing there wasn’t a million dreaded thoughts that rushed to her brain.
I still have a long trek to go down my road to happiness but with support and motivation I’m getting there, I’m finding my feet and I’m more eager than ever to get my life back on track. The moral of this story is that in order to keep your head above the water, it’s to speak out. It’s to push yourself even when you have no energy and it’s to believe that the light at the end of the tunnel is there, it’ll get closer the harder you push for it. Happiness doesn’t come at the bottom of a shot glass, nor with a concoction of drugs and self abuse…. happiness comes with the help of those around you, it comes with speaking out when you are afraid to… happiness comes from you trying to help yourself rather than numb out the pain.
Believe in tomorrows and stop worrying about yesterday’s. The future is bright for everyone and the world really wouldn’t be the same without you. Keep fighting your mighty fight the way I am.