As humans we all have a tendency to strive for perfection in our lives but with me, it all becomes blurred and I can never seem to break away from the mental ‘need’ to be ‘perfect’. Perfect is a term used to describe everything from someone’s talents to someone’s looks and to me it is everything I am not. To me perfect is everyone and everything that isn’t me. Perfect is happiness and coping with life, something that I struggle with on the daily… But in reality, does perfect exist?
From the slow turns of a magazine page to the fast scroll on Instagram my mind is exposed to images which to me, projects the idea of true beauty and perfection. I find myself analyzing every detail about these people I see and I compare them against myself. They have a small waist and I don’t, they are so beautiful and I’m not, they apply their make up really well and I don’t and they seem happy and evidently…I’m not. But how do I know that they are happy? How do I know if they’ve not edited their pictures? How do I know if they aren’t thinking the same about someone else and more importantly, how do I not know if someone is thinking the same about me? Whilst saying that it feels ludicrous, It’s true. How do I know anything about these people and what they feel?
We are told that loving yourself makes you vain and that it’s unattractive but then we are also told that hating yourself is attention seeking… you cannot win. I have days of clarity, when I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world but they come once in a blue moon. I often find myself sat across a table from my boyfriend trying to analyse what his facial expressions mean when he looks at me… are they looks of admiration or disgust? Whilst twiddling a fork with spaghetti and transporting it towards my mouth, I catch my boyfriend staring at me and my heart sinks. I study the way he is staring at me and I convince myself that he is thinking about the amount of food on my fork, the way I look when eating and that he no longer finds me the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. Stupid isn’t it? How my anxiety and my complete lack of self confidence plays into a simple task like eating. But the point I’m trying to make is, why am I forcing myself to be something I am not? Why am I worried of looking human whilst eating, whilst laughing, whilst crying… whilst living?
The day I let go of perfect was the day I found me again.
When was this day you wonder? Today. The 3rd March 2017. I stopped looking for issues and I found goodness within me and upon my skin to love and to cherish. The thing is I will never be a supermodel on a catwalk but that’s fine, as long as I am a supermodel in my own head then I am good. My body is my temple and it’s about time I took care of it. Striving for perfection has took me on many rocky roads from tearful nights spent alone to questioning my boyfriends existence in my life because I truly believed I wasn’t worthy of his love. I tried too hard to change myself it lead me to crash pretty hard but I am realising the damage I single handily enforced upon myself.
So stop believing if you change yourself you will be better. Stop believing that beauty and love is skin deep when it is something that is deep rooted into the souls of us. Stop believing that you aren’t beautiful when you are. Stop believing that hating yourself is good for you when it is putting a strain on your mental health. Stop comparing yourself to anyone from your friend to Kylie Jenner, stop it and learn to love and respect your body and your soul. Seriously though… think about this… what does comparing yourself achieve other than projecting yourself into an even deeper pool of hatred? It doesn’t solve your insecurities, it worsens them. Stop trying to change you. Love you. Love your body and admire it for the strength it holds. Love your face and how it ages so beautifully every day. Someone once told me, you have the body and the looks that you have right now because they are what you need at that moment in time. You will not stay the same weight and your face will change but in this moment, in this very second that you spend reading this, your body, your soul and your looks are needed to get through everything. You are a beautiful, flourishing human being that needs to stop preventing the true beauty from showing.