To the girl with the smile, yes you… where did your smile go. Why did you let the happiness you once carried so radiantly across your face slip away so easily? Why did you let your mind win? Why didn’t you fight? Were you afraid? Of course you were
The mind of the girl with the smile was lost. It was trapped within the darkest room of the darkest tower where no light could’ve possibly been able to get in. The sadness and the pain of a simple daily task got stronger. Her smile started to fade, the pain seeped deeper like sugar within a cavity. As a new day begun the darkness consumed her, unable to move from the bed she once sat upon laughing she fought a mighty battle just to escape from the duvet and have her feet planted safely on the ground. With each struggle the thud of her heart got harder and she knew she was lost within the darkness in her mind.
She would toss and she would turn, attempting to finally be able to sleep and for the deafening sounds of her dismal mind to stop. It didn’t work. The nights were the longest. No sound came from the cries she wept, just a pain felt deep within. She would often say, “I want to be normal. Why can’t I be normal.” For the thoughts that occupied her once beautiful mind were dark and they were frightening. Once her mind drew weary she slept in the grips of the darkness. Her dreams left her in moments of panic and fear, there was no escaping this demon.
Weeks went by and not a word was spoken about the secret battle she was facing. She woke that little bit earlier, she applied more make up and she practised her best impression of the girl with the smile. It was that good that on days she fooled herself that she was ok again, that maybe she would make it… until… until the pain became unbearable. One night the stitches she placed so tightly across her mouth were slowly coming undone and she broke. The tears soaked the tshirt of the boy she loved, ‘help me’ she said ‘I am so scared”. The boy who was the reason behind the smile she once wore so delicately across her face was surprised. He knew nothing to the pain she felt, he was upset and hurt that he had to see her this way.
The smile was taken away now. There was nothing left other than a pair of empty eyes which stared into space. Days went by and she stumbled through as well as she could and then she came to a stop. There was no stumbling to be done, she was to crash and fall harder than she has before. The love of her life found saying goodnight harder for he was afraid that if he closes his eyes, once he wakes up she will be gone. She wouldn’t be here and she would’ve lost her fight. The thoughts that lingered in her mind were powerful, they were dark and they made her so weak. “You are nothing. You are worthless. You are a waste of space. You, you don’t deserve to be here”, these thoughts remained in the mind of the girl who once coloured her boyfriend’s world in the most vibrant of colours.
She felt selfish, but to her the only way to break away from her caliginous mind was to break away from reality. One last cry for help she said, one last time to try and see if this can help. Confining in the boy she loved, he remained calm. A few moments later he called her and the call began how every other call had between the two… then suddenly he sobbed and he begged and he told her how afraid he was that the love of his life might not be alive every time he wakes up. He spoke of his fear about how his life wouldn’t be the same and how it would ruin him. He spoke of how deeply he loved her and how he wishes he could take away the pain that occupied and consumed her body. She heard. Boy did it hurt. The pain and the words that struck her numb body felt electric. Stop what you are doing she said. I have a life here. I deserve this life. I deserve to be in love and to be happy. I have a boyfriend who can’t fault me even when I’m in the midst of a breakdown. I have a boyfriend who has promised me a lifetime of happiness. I have a boyfriend who’s cries I heard louder than my own and they stopped the thoughts.
Whilst you may believe this was a grand act of selfishness, this was merely an act of pain and fear. This was an act of a girl aged 19 begging and pleading for help.
Disclaimer: this is not a story, this is a series of true events that have recently taken place in my life, to get my thoughts and my pain out there I had to write in third person.
To Oliver Ward…
thank you for the selfless act you have done by loving me and remaining by my side even when these past few weeks have been hard. You are a strong and incredible human being and I just need you and the world to know that I am so thankful for your ongoing love and support. And for the readers, Olly chose to stay with me, I gave him opportunity to walk away if it got too hard for him and he chose to remain by my side.
Remember, it is ok to not be ok. Reach out for help. Talk. Shout. Cry. Nobody will judge you if you open your heart. Keeping it harboured within your already fragile body will leave you consumed by pain. If you notice somebody struggling please try and reach out to them as some people don’t realise that they have support there. But believe me… everything’s going to be ok.
Credit to: https://findingmywaytoreality.wordpress.com/2017/05/04/to-the-girl-with-the-smile/