Allowing yourself to be released from the clutches of evil is a fearsome journey but it’s one you’ll be glad you endured. My mind enjoys projecting dread and fear upon me, it likes to give me a false sense of reality which causes me to question everything I have in life. The deepest, darkest demons belong in my mind. From the odious thoughts to the explosive reactions, they are all formed by a deep darkness within me. I was weak and weary eyed for a long time, I gave my own mind the power to be consumed by evil and that’s why I am so thankful I forced myself through this journey.
Nothing is ever straight forward inside in the inner workings of my mind. Happiness didn’t come easily, Oh how I wish it did. I woke up one day, I felt numb. My body was no longer mine…It belonged to this darkness within me. Why was I feeding this demon? Why was I stopping myself from fighting it? The answer was… I knew no better. Fearsome to speak up about the thoughts that lingered in my brain, I forced myself to never unscrew the lid on the bottle I spent so long filling up. I was killing myself. The happiness literally seeped from my bones more each day. How long would I survive if I kept this up? ‘Oh well.’ I said ‘If it remains unsaid, it isn’t a real issue.’ I wish I knew how stupid I was.
My body and soul slowly but surely got taken over more as the days went on. Does my family love me? Would they miss me? Don’t be so silly Georgia! Nobody loves you… You are insignificant to everyone. You don’t belong here. I fooled myself to believe I wasn’t worthy of the oxygen I breathed. These are the dangerous thoughts that floated so peacefully around my mind. It’s sad isn’t it? That I easily handed over the steering wheel of my happiness to my mind and it very nearly drove mefelt like it was always the case of taking two steps forward and four steps back. Was I actually designed to be unhappy?
My world went blank. There was no sun, no stars, no birds singing it was grey and it was cold. Waking up felt like a task because I knew throughout the day I’d have to battle the terrifying thoughts that occupied my mind on the daily. Nobody ever knew. ‘Screw that lid tighter and don’t let anyone inside your head’ was my daily motto. I didn’t want to be pitied, I wanted to be treated normally. I got so good at pretending I was happy that in 3 years of my battle against myself the thing I desired the most was to be asked if I was okay. I knew I needed to talk but how could I shatter this false persona that I spent three years building? Who was I going to be behind this mask? I was me behind the smile, the real me. The girl who whilst the colours of life were drained away from her she still forced a smile and an awkward laugh, who was she? I often found myself wishing that I was the girl on the mask rather than the girl who hid behind it… That’s when it happened, I began fighting for the girl on the mask.
I fought a mighty fight. Day by day, second by second I patched up the wounds I caused upon my soul. It was a hard battle but my motivation was that one day I could take off the mask and underneath I would be the same. Step by step it got easier, I stopped allowing my mind to get lost in the craziness of my thoughts, I forced myself to differentiate between reality and fiction, I forced myself to release my emotions and the most important thing I did was to talk to someone. It started with a friend and then it progressed further to people I chose and considered important to know what was going on. It helped, it allowed me to realise that I wasn’t alone on this fight and that I had a great support system behind me.
Don’t get me wrong, someday’s I find that the thoughts are too loud and that finding the strength to step out of the house is hard but it’s worth fighting for. I no longer lie awake at night consumed by the fears of tomorrow. I no longer allow my mind be the ruling of my life. The darkness took my innocence, my happiness, my teenage years and it took me away from breathing happiness into other peoples lives. I have allowed myself to lose four years of my life to this soul destroying, captivating and evil creature that lived in my mind. Now is my chance to make up for the time, the happiness and the love that I missed out on. I live every day like there’s no tomorrow, I love everybody in my life to the point that it aches, I smile, I laugh and I enjoy being me. Take a step back and consider this: You are one person against 7.4 billion others, You are a small imprint in this world… however, without you it wouldn’t be the same. You are the reason somebody wakes up, you are the reason somebody loves, you are the reason the birds sing and most importantly you are the reason this world is what it is. Without you the world wouldn’t be the same. You have made a huge impact on this world, even if you are a small 5ft3 girl like me, the impact you’ve had against the world is absolutely magnificent.
Don’t give up, believe that the light at the end of the tunnel gets closer the harder you fight. You are so important. You are so damn beautiful. Fight for you. Fight for your life. Nobody deserves to feel inferior. You truly are 1 in 7.4 billion, that’s special.