My journey from self hate to finally accepting myself for who I am. As a happy ten year old girl who saw the joy in everything, suddenly one day it changed. I noticed things about myself that the people I was surrounded by didn’t have. Why did I have scars on my nose? Why did my nose look bigger than anyone’s? Why did my body look bigger than theirs? Why couldn’t I be like them? Why did I have to look like this… like me? Should a ten year old really be having these thoughts?
Since then I became fixated on my imperfections. On a day to day basis I would start the day off feeling great in my own skin and as soon as I took my first step outside the dread and fear hit me like a hurricane. I can’t be seen like this, I don’t want people to look, to judge, to laugh. I don’t want to look like me, I’d say. But now I’m just wondering what on earth was wrong in looking like me? I wish I could take back all of the hours spent obsessing in front of a mirror, crying at night and I wish I could take away all of the thoughts about not wanting to be me. If I wasn’t me, I wouldn’t have this life.
One night I remember so clearly, I lost control over my pain and my self hate. I felt at my lowest. My mind and obsession with needing to be everyone’s idea of perfect but my own lead me to questioning my own mother if she thought I was beautiful. I questioned everyone in my life, no matter the lengths they went to prove to me that I wasn’t seeing myself properly, I was convinced I knew better. I felt like it was wrong to be in this body. The skin that surrounded my bones felt foreign. Tears fled from my eyes, the words ‘I wish I wasn’t here’ fell so carelessly from my lips and it felt normal. What was it that made me this way?
Someday’s were harder than others to the point that my reflection made me feel nauseated. It took time. I knew I was more than just a body, I had enough power in me somewhere to fight this demon that was my own mind to be able to flourish into the young woman that I’d like to think I am today. The first step I took in overcoming my own mind was to stop comparing myself to others. I know that I am not skinny however I also know I am not fat, I am not beautiful but I am not ugly either. I have a body that is mine, a body that I am proud to have. A body that was designed to fight, to love and to bring life into this world. Why would I hate something that is beautiful. I am more than just skin and bones. You are more than just skin and bones.
This life is too short to be concerned about how people see you. I am a beautiful human being surrounded by other beautiful human beings. My body, my face, my clothes they are all apart of my identity and why would I for a second think about altering any of that? I already lead a life in which I am content with and in no way shape or form will I ever change myself for others. I am a necessity to this world, although I am merely one in 7.4 billion people, If I wasn’t here the world would be different…even if it was just slightly. I am important. You are important and we are all so beautiful.
A certain image of what is perfect is programmed into the minds of everyone, male or female, this image doesn’t depict who we are, who i am. I am more than just a body. You can be however you want, you can be whoever you want. The biggest lesson I learnt was to stop looking for your imperfections and enjoy them as they make you who you are. Those scars I mentioned? Now I think they are cute. My thighs, what would I do without my thighs? So many items of food would be wasted if my thick thighs didn’t prevent them from reaching the floor. My nose isn’t big, I mean if it was smaller how could I fit as much metal in it as I have? See your imperfections for the greatness theyI am saying is you see yourself in a way that nobody ever see’s, you merely see a reflection. Never a true image of what you look like and if there’s someone in your life that thinks you are the most beautiful thing on this planet, do not reject those comments. Allow them to become a part of you. Allow them to make you flourish and truly show your deepest beauty.