My mind is a crazy place filled with dread and fear. As I take my current steps in life my mind is there holding me back. Recently, I have lost the power to fight the dark and I’ve allowed my mind to take over. I wake up and the first thing that greets me is the fight I have to go through on that day. I am back to fighting for my happiness and it’s a journey I am too familiar with. The difference in this battle is that I am not calm in the darkness, I am striving for the happiness that I felt just a short while ago.
I have lost the strength to fight for my happiness. You see, my mind latches onto the bad and never allows myself to be released from the clutches of it. Life is grey. Life is cold and life is hard. I want to wake up and feel the buzz of the blood running around my body, I want the words that fall so effortlessly from my boyfriends mouth to make my body completely consumed by happiness again but my mind is blocking the things that I am entitled to feel. The only thing I have found strength for is to sleep and even that I can’t do well. I am better than this.
The smallest of things have the power to send me into a deep pit of hatred. From the day to day living to the things like my charger breaking. I have allowed myself to become vulnerable again and it’s breaking me. The pain that my mind is inflicting upon me is unbearable. I just want to be normal. I…just…want…to…be…normal… is that too much to ask? I am starting to believe that maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. I am over working myself in every aspect of my life because I am living in fear of being back in the dark place that I lived in for a long time. But I know that I am not going to be back there because the difference between then and now is that I am fighting to my full capacity to be happy rather than finding a comfort in the darkness.
Someone who I hold so closely to my heart said to me recently ‘You’re too busy trying to impress people who shouldn’t matter rather than be content with the people that admire you.’ You know what? I am. I am too consumed in the thoughts of those who criticise, dislike and insult me rather than being consumed in the thoughts of the people that care, that love me and more importantly these are the people I love. I am spending too much time trying to be someone for everyone and it’s ruining me. I have a happy life, I really do. My mum is my best friend, My boyfriend is the kindest and most understanding person I have ever known, My friends have hearts of pure gold and my family/extended family keep me grounded and make me know that I am loved. I have so much to fight for and that is what is making me know that no matter the hardships I am facing that it will improve and I will come out of this stronger than I went into it.
I am important. I am cared for. I am admired. I am strong. I am powerful. I am worthy of each moment this life gives me. I am worth so much more than I allow myself to believe. I am better. I am me. And being me is just fine. Take the good and treasure it but keep the bad and let it make you know that everything is worth while. Fight until nothing is left. Fight until you die. If you are fighting for your own happiness the way I am, it’s the most beautiful journey you’ll ever take.