Anxiety – A word people often exemplify to be weak. It is not a weakness, it’s your brain working overtime for a job that isn’t needed. The many journeys we take daily to enforce a sense of security within our own minds is colossal.
Between mindless flickering on social media, anxious minds are subjective to feeding their addictions. My weakness is pretty girls, I’ll find myself analysing them and thinking how would it feel to be that pretty… but it doesn’t stop there. Oh no, my anxiety likes to step in and construct thoughts that you’d need a doctorate in algebra to figure out. Things like… My boyfriend would definitely prefer her over me, She’s wearing a top I have and she looks better so I have to chuck it away… Things like this may not seem the typical anxiety that you’ve heard about on a tumblr post or in the midst of a Stephen Chbosky novel, but these are just the minor explorations anxiety takes on a mind on an ordinary day.
The journey to eating a subway without anxiety. Oh what I wouldn’t give to be able to place my hands against the freshly toasted sandwich and bite into it like your average Joe. Oh but of course my mind does not allow me to do so, I have to eat a subway with a knife and fork… not only that I have to take out the fillings and eat it all separately incase I am watched or heard doing a task that is vital to our survival. Somehow, somewhere anxiety has told me to feel a great deal of pressure when it comes to eating. This ranges from how I look when I am eating to feeling the pressure of being seen eat. Such thoughts have possessed my mind enough to cause my habits to change. There have been many occasions when meals will go amiss due to the pressure my mind is enforcing upon me, healthy? I think not. Anxiety is a cruel and dangerous illness that controls attributes in life that are needed to ensure our own survival.
Don’t get me wrong, I love people hence the reason I am doing this blog… However, I can’t cope with a mass amount of people walking around me. The fear that it produces in my body is unbearable. A common misconception is that a fear of crowded areas is not anxiety… oh believe me, it is. The hardest thing I find is that when faced with a crowded area, you are able to feel yourself react to the anxiety. Whether it’s a hot flush, sweaty hands or a raise in your heart rate you can feel the anxiety taking over your mind more than it normally would. My mind makes attachments to things you wouldn’t normally associate with each other. The fears I face when in crowds is: losing the person you’re with, being stabbed (this is what I mean about unlikely links between things), falling over and either being injured or laughed at. I find that with my anxiety it’s my mind working overtime to create scenarios that even a Quentin Tarantino movie couldn’t create.
Now when you read this, you could relate to it all or you could relate to nothing, however I am merely going into a few of the very many explorations of my anxious mind. My anxious mind isn’t going to function the same way as yours but my aim is to make you feel that it is ok to have strange coping mechanisms like my knife and fork situation. I am not trying to glorify anxiety but I am simply trying to break the still existing stigmatism towards anxiety… Towards any mental illness really.